You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
