Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
