did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
