A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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