finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
