Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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