I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
