ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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