I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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