She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
