you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
