I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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