guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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