If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
