i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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