she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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