I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
