I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
