Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
