I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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