That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
