First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
