I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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