i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
