Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
