I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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