i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
