Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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