It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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