we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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