take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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