someone get that fucking seahorse.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
