this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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