hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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