i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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