Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize