Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
