Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
