the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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