so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
