so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
