my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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