We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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