She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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