i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
