i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
