when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
