I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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