Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
