I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
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