Jerry, you need to find god
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
