So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
