you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
