WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
