If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
