my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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