Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize