i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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